Taking time for myself

Why is it so hard to take time for myself?  I am really good at making time for my husband and my son and making sure they are happy but I rarely have any left over for myself.  Its like I plan and budget for them and "if" there is anything left over its for me...but that is the problem there is none left for me and I tend to go by the wayside. 
Well 2012 is going to be my year.  It was a big step signing up for the weight loss surgery because even though my insurance pays 90% we still have to budget 10% which I am not sure how much it is going to be but I have budgeted $3000, its the first time since I have been married that I have set aside that much money for something I, alone am going to do for myself.  I am also going to have to set some expectations that mom is going to have to work out and not be able to do things for people during that time.  This is going to be hard for me.  I have been trying to get in exercise but so far its just been walking so that I can take my 4 year old.  I do realize that in order for me to start jogging that is going to require me to do it in the evening after my husband gets back from work and it will more than likely be dark outside so I may need to go to the gym.  Oh boy....
I can't believe I am dreading taking me time...I mean a part of me is excited to do it but the thought how others will react is not something I am going to enjoy dealing with.  Before kids this would not have been an issue but since having my son I really feal GUILT if I am not doing everything for him.  I will get there...I have to.  Hope everyone enjoys there last day of 2011

10 things Thursday Virgin!

So Drazil stated in her blog how she is a Thursday virgin no more...well this is my first random 10 things thursday so here we go

1.) I met a new mom friend and we had another play date today...it was so much fun to hang out with someone besides me and the crazy 4 year old...I mean adult convo...I am hoping she is not crazy like the last one.  Background on last mom friend......I don't make friends easy but since having only one child I new I needed to branch out and meet more moms so that my child had more kids to play with that required me to leave my comfort zone.  So the soccer coaches wife seemed cool young and fun to hang with so I started to go to movies and she and her kids would come over for lunch or swimming.  Turns out she used to be a stripper(really I had no idea...should of cause she was awesome at zumba) now my guy friends said I should have ran then because did I know any stripper that was not crazy...umm no I just don't know any strippers.  Well 2 months into it she od on her meds tried to kill herself and dropped her kids off at my house for the weekend while she checked into hospital...yes my mouth was hanging open that whole weekend...needless to say I had to "break up" with her I couldn't handle all the drama..wow I have 9 more....
2.) I work downtown Phoenix and there is always something crazy going on. I try to go for a walk during lunch everyday and there is always something I post on my facebook over my walks.  Crackheads shooting up in allies, homeless man pooping on building, whistled at by construction workers(I liked it, I really did)...
3.) I work from home sometimes and don't shower all day...just stay in my pj's and bunny slippers.  I do love being a software engineer.
4.) I am 1/4 eskimo....I actually get checks from the government......
5.) My eskimo grandma ran away when my dad was 3 I have never met her.
6.) I used to own a jet ski and actually would go jet skiing just about everyday after work...my hottie husband doesn't like the water so I don't go anymore and sold my awesome kawasaki ultra 150 8 years ago when I married him
7.) When I was pregnant with my one and only I accidently farted on the doctor when she was checking my cervix...her bangs flew up in the air from wind...I kid you not...I wanted to die.
8.) I am an only child and only grand child.
9.) My husbands dad and grandfather are retired cops.  My dad is a convicted felon who just got out of jail 7 years ago..and it was the best thing for him.
10.) My great grandfather changed his last name when he moved here from Norway.

Thats about it hope I made someone laugh!

obesity as a child

So I have been thinking a lot to how I started to become overweight.  It really started when my mom and dad got divorced when I was 7 I started to steal money from my dads night table to buy candy from the vending machine.  My mom was a total organic 70's girl.  She ironed her hair made my clothes, made everything from scratch. We never ate out.  She would cook healthy meals.  Which controlled my weight for the most part until I could drive.  My first job...dairy queen..bad choice.  When I was able to drive I would go through drive-thru's daily and get french fries or a quick bite before I came home.  I kind of felt deprived and sheltered.  We were poor which is another reason we did not go eat out.  I began to think when I made money I would eat out all the time...which we all know is bad for you...but at the time I associated it with having more money...crazy thinking.  So I continued to reward my good behavior with food.  I was also on a diet from 7 on.  I remember my grandma always telling me I had such a pretty face it was a shame I couldn't be thinner.  Man that was hard to hear at my young age.  I also developed faster than anyone else.  I have this ballet picture and when I was 7 and I was the tallest girl in class and later I was the first to get a bra...I hated the attention.  Its funny because I am only 5'4 so I just seemed to quit growing in high school
This all leads me to raising my own child.  How do I ensure he does not grow up fat?  My mom tried her best by making all these wholesome foods yet I always felt "deprived" because my friends would go to Mcdonalds and Sizzler and such...weird.
I am trying to teach my child moderation.  There is nothing I really forbid him from having but I do try to teach him to exercise daily(I think that was more my problem, my mom worked 3 jobs so I was home alone a lot in front of the tv)  I have johnny in two sports, he always gets to choose the sports but that keeps him busy 3 or 4 days a week(game and practice each) and then there are play dates at the park.
Where I fail..,.,.we don't eat at the table as a family.  I work 5:30-2 and my husband 9-6 so that we can do pickup and drop off for johnny without paying for before/after care.  This means that I am home alone with johnny until 7 and so its just him and I for dinner.  We don't always sit down at the dinner table sometimes we eat dinner watching a movie, sometimes we eat outside picnic style...love arizona for that.  I really need to work on more of a routine, but sometimes I feel like a single mom and I don't make a big fuss around dinner.
Hey a new years resolution...make dinner more of a family time even if its just johnny and I.
Try to make more of a balanced meal(need more vegetables).
Anyway I am done babbling....I did successfully get my vitamin in yesterday and we went to the movie and I only had a diet coke no popcorn or candy.  Saw New Years Eve...thought it was great!  Felt like a dirty old woman because Zac Ephron is just plain HOT.

word for new year MAGICAL

My word for next year Magical.  I know this process is not magic but it sure seems like it is when I have just about given up on dieting and the thought of losing and keeping off this weight

mag·i·cal/ˈmajikəl/

Adjective:	Relating to or using magic. Resembling, produced or working as if by magic.
Synonyms:	magic - enchanting

followers!!

yeah!!! I have another follower and I am so glad to finally have met some new band friends.  I have tried to follow peoples blogs that are on a similar path as I am or have already achieved success.  I want to make this as successful journey as possible....thanks for following ladies!

trying to be a bander

So my nutrionist wants me to try to practice life like a bander.  No drinking while eating, make my meals last 30 minutes by chewing everything 30 times, take a vitamin everyday, eat protein first, limit carbs and no caffeine.
Well I have been working on weening myself off caffeine...yikes thats hard when you are an addict like me--96 ounces a day.  i have managed to drop down to some of my caffeine intake but my headaches are preventing me from dropping anymore. 
I have tried the no drinking while eating and THAT is hard.  This month he suggested I drink right up until I take my first bite and then stop drinking.  I will admit that is easier but I am still thirsty while eating especially if I am trying to make my meal stretch to 30 min..(more on that in a minute) I had to eliminate hot spicy foods because that automatically makes we want to take a drink.  Wow. This is going to take a rewire of the brain.  I do really well at breakfast but lunch and dinner are another story.  I have not had a successful meal yet.
Ok so on to streching out my meal to 30 minutes...I timed my first meal..making sure I chewed everything well and ate a balanced meal...took me 10 minutes(and I thought I was streching it out) apparently I am a shoveler and I don't realize how quickly I eat my food.  So rather than feeling like a failure I am going to slowly try to increase my time.  I am not sure how I am going to make it to 30 minutes...my food is cold by then?
Chew 30 times...seriously I chew about 15 -20 times and I can't help but swallow it feels like it is going to go down on its own.  Smaller bites are helping to and I am using smaller silverware.
Vitamins...doc said I could take flintstones vitamins because I hate taking the big horse pills they call vitamins for adults...they give me heartburn and hurt going down.  I seriously forget to take them some days.  It never even enters my mind until the next day.  So I am managing to get vitamins every other day....some success?
So I do feel like a band failure and I am not even banded yet.  I guess this gives me more execuses to practice practice practice.

yeah!!I have a follower!

Jazzing up Jackie!~ You made my day!

Home alone...and Resolutions!

I find it harder to stay on track when I am at home all day.  I don't know how stay at home moms do it!  I mean really, its so easy to graze through the cubbards.  It made me think of it because I am home all this week off of work and I was wondering what I could make hmmmm brownies, cookies...pie.  I need to find some good low-calorie recipe to make.  I was on one of the blogs I follow and she was listing out some great liquid recipes...pumpkin pie protein shakes, cream soup and they look really good.  I copied down the recipe so that I can try it during my pre-op liquid 2 weeks.  I am not sure how I am going to make it through those 2 weeks without getting bored with what I am eating I mean drinking.

I think I am going to go thru my cubbards and clean out the food and try to replace it with some better choices this week.  I am one of those people that like to "spring clean" for the new year.  I like to deep clean the house and straighten up everything to get a fresh start on the new year.  It makes me feel ready to start the new year without baggage.  I.E nagging in my head that I need to clean the pantry or go thru the file cabinet, or my closet.

Resolutions anyone?  My hottie husband asked me if I have any new years resolutions...mmm.lose wieght...oh yeah I make and break that every year. This year hopefully it sticks.  I would like to ride my bike...without making the tire go flat!  I would like to exercise more...I have an clothes rack  I mean eliptical machine I should start using.  Maybe I will make a resolution to use that twice a week.  Last year I made a resolution to recycle more.  I will say that I did a pretty good job of that this year.  I actually set out the recycle garbage can this year with stuff in it almost every week.  Didn't use it at all in 2010.  What should I shoot for this year....hmmmm

Did I really just eat all that?

Ok, I had a tough time today.  Started off with Brunch with prime rib, bacon, eggs, french toast then off for spaghetti with hot italian sausage and french bread....oh and the two slices of pecan pie...OMG I have the pig snout on and need to take it off.  I think I stress ate today,  it is a lot to put up with my family and my husbands....everyones friendly and nice but it takes work...and I am exhausted.  Don't get me wrong though I totally enjoyed my day.  Junior started with making us all eat brains and barf from his new Dr. Zombie lab kit....ewe such a boy.  Then there were nerf wars and remote control hover crafts and remote control cars and bigfoot.  Ahhh you got to love boys and my husband and his brothers and the grandpapas all had a blast reliving there childhood.
So tomorrow is a new day...I am going to try to get it right tomorrow.

Christmas Eve!!!!!!

Its Christmas eve.  I am so excited!  Today is the day we open presents as a family.  My son is so excited I can't help but be excited too.  My hottie husband helped him finish painting ornaments and picture frames(so he can give them to his grandparents).  I now have to wrap them....ooh the wrapping. I think I have wrapped something everyday all month long! 
My husband kept asking me what I wanted for xmas and I wasn't sure what to say because really the band is the best present I can receive.  I don't want clothes because hopefully I won't be this size much longer.
I have been busy catching up with the blogs I follow.  I like to go back to the beginnning of their journey and read about it.  I almost feel like I know the blogger by the time I am done.  Everyones journey is just a little bit different and its neat to see.  Sometimes I cry...but I am a sap and cry at everything these days.  I am so happy for them when they get close to goal or reach a NSV.
Our other tradition is that we always eat seafood on Christmas eve(lobster, crab, oysters, scallops and shrimp)  I will definately get my protein in today!
I hope everyone has a safe and happy Christmas eve!

Didn't gain as much as I thought....

So I have been dreading going to my second month supervised diet appointment.  I really thought I packed on the weight this month but surprise only 3 lbs.  Up to 261.  I am going to call my dietician Green Bean(GB) because he is tall and thin.  GB thought I did great for the holidays and coming off the HCG diet.  He wants me to shoot for 2 lb loss next month.  I CAN DO IT!  He also found out I used to run and asked me to think about doing the PF changs next year.  I really think that would be cool to do and a real goal to try to shoot for.  I told him I would only do another 1/2 marathon if I was under 200lbs...he told me no problem I may even hit goal by then....that made me stutter...I really hadn't thought about the fact that next year at this time I will very likely be under 200 lbs.  Thats CRAZY, but exciting.
So my final weigh in is next month January 25.  I have my EGD scheduled for January 26th and then my insurance paperwork will be sent in right after my 25th appointment.  Its getting close and I seriously can't wait.  GB thinks I will probably have surgery beginning of February because AETNA is pretty easy to get the paperwork through and approval back.  My PCP only sent my records for 2009 not 2008,2010 or 2011...not sure why guess I have to call them and get on their asses.
On a totally side note, I have a work teammate I just can not stand. He smacks his food, tries to get me in trouble whenever he can and pretty much listens to my conversations and phone calls...Well he is gone for 2 weeks!!!!! yeah peace and quiet.  So glad I don't have to see smacker until next year.
Peace Out!

I read some other blogs that listed some NSV's that they can't wait to experience.  I am going to list mine because I would love to come back in a year and see if I made it to any of them.
1.) Fit into a size 14
2.) drop a shoe size back down to 9--I jumped to a 10 after I had my baby
3.) Get off caffeine...I have to do this before surgery and 6 mos after but I would like to quit altogether.  Ever since I had my baby I drink a ton of coffee...not soda...just coffee
4.) Feel young...I am 40 but I feel I look so old!  I see Jennifer Aniston and she is hot...I too want to be hot.
5.) Play with Johnny at the park and not get tired
6.) Start riding a bike again.
7.)  Run the Pat Tillman race and beat my old time
8.)  Drop down bra size ...I have crept back up to a 40D and I want to go back to being a 36C...which is what I was after my breast reduction
9.) Feel roomy in my car...sometimes I feel like a sardine and I drive a large CAMRY!


On another note I have told four friends(one had lapband and was not successful, one had gastric bypass and has since gained back some weight she wishes she had done lapband, and two work friends...for support)  I also told my husband and mom.  I haven't told anyone else.  There are days when I want to tell everyone and othertimes I don't.  I have a couple overweight friends I want to tell and actually have them join me on this journey but I know that would be rude of me to suggest it.

I was on the HCG diet prior to this and lost 60lbs but I have been slowly gaining it back.  When I was on the HCG diet there were 10 of us in the office that went on it and all of us lost weight...but there were 5 people in the office that snickered and laughed and said they couldn't wait for us to gain it back.  I found that appalling, none of them have ever been overweight yet they found it easy to judge us.  I can only imagine what they would say if I told them I am getting the lapband...grrr. 

I have been a such a yo-yo dieter all my life....ok maybe not all my life.  I was a big baby 9lbs and I was normal weight until my parents got divorced when I was 7...I started to pack on the weight...not sure why...the attention...I always was in everyones way growing up and they never had time for me but food always had time for me.  Throughout my life food is always there to comfort me.  I lost a ton of weight in high school (no date for prom though) and when I left for college I was 150..which was good for me. 

Then I moved to a new state for college.  To be honest I couldn't handle the attention from boys...they scared me.  I never dated in high school.  I remember my roomate taking me to a party and introducing me to her best friend and her boyfriend.  The boyfriend made a pass at me at the party and scared the crap out of me and caused a seen.  Then a couple weeks later my roomate got a boyfriend and he hit on me too, just made me feel uncomfortable and guilty(even though I didn't encourage it).  I met two new girls at school they were both body glove swimsuit models whom I hung out with but I did not have any money so I ate top ramen and taco bell(2 horrible things) and gained 50 lbs over 2 1/2 years. 
When I graduated I moved to MN and didn't know anyone so I was bored and I made a ton of money so I thought I deserved to treat myself....can't believe I let myself go.  I gained over 100lbs in MN.  I was miserable so I moved back to AZ and went on OPTIfast and lost the 100lbs.
I also seem to eat when I stress out and I am in the IT field so there are some very stressful times.  There are also all the social settings that you need to be one of the boys(business meetings at the bar, business dinners and travel)  I just didn't make any good choices.
When I got engaged I lost 75 lbs before the wedding(using diet pills I bought on the internet...bad I know) and then had a kid and put that 75lbs back on. 

I need to stop this hot mess!  I do find this blog kind of therapuetic even though no one reads it, it helps to get it out of my head!
Chow!

Still on track

So I have been doing pretty good on the diet.  I got on the scale today and it still says 262.5 which is where it has been since Sunday...yes I weigh everyday.  I would like it to say 258 when I go to weigh in with doctor on Thursday so I am watching the salt as well as sugar and calories.  I have been tracking in MYFITNESSPAL app on my phone which is helping me count my calories.

It was hard yesterday.  Morning started off good
Coffee (international vanilla)
reduced fat oatmeal
snack--2/3 of chobani yogurt-strawberry---just don't like it
lunch lean cuisine chicken sandwhich and pretzals
snack honey nut cherrios
dinner....this is where I detour a bit.
My mom got remarried back to her ex yesterday and after the ceremony he wanted to go to WaffleHouse....I had 1/2 waffle and 1/2 a hamburger.  Nothing on waffle but 1 tab margarine and plain burger.

Today is starting off pretty good.
Coffee (international vanilla)

I think I will have subway for lunch

I have been on lapbandtalk this week and it sure is encouraging on some of the posts on how successful everyone is...but then there are those posts where peoples bands seem to deteriate and they have to get them removed and usually the wherer is depressed they have to have it removed....I would be too considering the success of them.  Not quite sure how I fee about it.

I am not sure what to expect a lot of blogs I read people drop down to 150-175 and then there are some where they only drop down to 200.  I really want to hit 150-175.  I remember being 150 in college and that was perfect.  I did get down to 175 when I moved down to Phoenix from Minneapolis and went on Optifast...I was 308 and I dropped down to 175 but it was too hard to maintain I was eating hardly anything and exercising 2 hours a day.

I also want to get back to running.  I ran a 1/2 marathon in 2005 weighing 232 and it almost killed me, I said I would never do it again...but I just may if I can get below 200....so many goals and ideas...
chow!

starting again....

OK, I am suppose to be doing my 3 month supervised diet and feel like such a failure...so I am starting again..right now.  I weigh in Thursday so maybe I can control any further gain this week and try to finish in a good place.  I went grocery shopping and set myself up for success.  I am dreading a lecture from my dietician but I guess I deserve it.  I want this to be successful, I don't want him thinking I am doomed to fail!  Ugh!

On another note, went to the mall today...what recession?  The mall was packed and it just reinforced why I hate shopping...people are rude. Shoving, cutting in line, walking into you...seriously, Its just as bad as buying a car in my book.

Johnny counted the gifts under the tree and found another one..so cute.  He is so excited for Christmas and tries to bribe me every night to just open 1...I remember doing that as a kid.  His four year old AWE at everything is refreshing.  I had him paint ornaments yesterday and he had a blast..they are true keepers and I plan on saving them forever. 

Yuck! I hate pictures

I can't wait until I enjoy getting my picture taken....Today we went to church to get our picture taken as a family...looking at the proofs I couldn't believe how puffy and just plain fat I looked.  Terrible.  I didn't want to get any extra pictures with myself in them...now my hubby, John and junior looked great! 

Moving on.....

I am suppose to be on my 3 month diet by I find it nearly impossible right now.  We seem to have a Christmas party to go to everynight and it is so hard to make good choices when all the choices are bad!  I also find myself falling into  the trap that this may be the last time I get to enjoy pasta, breads, potatoes, cakes...sigh....I do have a love affair with food. Why do I love it so?

I have been trying to figure out why I am as fat as I am...do I binge...I don't think so, I just graze and eat to much food.  Sometimes I just feel like I am hungry all the time...but then I eat to much and it hurts.  I am a mess and I really feel like I am spiralling right now.  I am coming off doing the HCG diet where I lost 60 lbs and I have been slowly putting it back on.  I do not want to go back up the scale I want to be climbing down. ughh.

Starting my Blog

I have been reading numerous other blogs for the last month and decided I needed to start mine and quit being a stalker on my other favorite blogs.  I started this journey on October 15th and now that I know its covered by insurance and it is going to happen I want to set up the tools to make it succeed.  I have read numerous other posters who recommend starting a blog and keeping up with it so this is what I am going to do.